GW Bush: Resolves to trade in his big stick for a sledge hammer. 

Cheney: Redeems his “blind” Halliburton stock to rebuild Iraq. 

Dean: Promises to speak softly in the South. 

Clark: As President-elect will go to Iraq and end the insurgency — echo of Eisenhower. 

Michael Jackson: Resolves to metamorphose back to black if acquitted. 

Women of Iraq: Resolve to be equal. 

Arnold: To Balance budget by saddling California with a huge bond. 

Powell: Pledges to remain in office despite the abuse. 

Rumsfeld: Resolves that once mission is accomplished in Iraq, the professional army will be reduced to high-tech Special Forces. Only the National Guard will do the dirty work.

Hillary: Vows to reintroduce universal health care after the national election, irrespective of who is president. 

Saddam: To bribe jury with the $40 billion loot.