Assault weapons should be shouldered by every citizen except for elementary and high school students, who must carry switch blades at all times.

A new kind of mass transportation is necessary — the goal is to put a Lincoln Navigator in every garage.

Every homeless person is entitled to a plastic sheet to cover his cardboard shelter.

The right wing should end its diatribe against abortion and favor tying up the fallopian tubes of single mothers.

The affluent do so much good for the country already and must not be taxed at all.

Liberals should stop feeling the pain of the poor, and legislate forced labor camps.

The only way to fight al Qaeda is to bomb a Mosque in retaliation for each act of terror instinctively presumed Islamic.

North Korea should be the destination for outsourcing American jobs — they’ll be so busy they won’t have labor-time for nuclear bombs.

Since Bush is running as a wartime president, he should invade France after the June deadline for Iraq.

Kerry should go one better and call for a constitutional amendment banning marriages altogether.